Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Bitching

Once again, I am a bitch.

For the past month since I went back here in Manila, I am not totally myself.  There seems to be a cloud hovering.  I shut out people even my boss whom last year I could talk to about anything.  Now, seldom do I go to my boss to talk about anything and everything.  Even if he's just a few steps away, a day would pass by with just greetings in the morning and goodbyes in the afternoon.  I even say no to all the free treats that they are buying us.  I don't want to get spoiled.  I don't want to miss all the fun.  I know in one way or another, this will all end and I don't want to find myself looking for it.

Is this because of the secrets I am keeping to myself.  I have pending vacations that I have to miss work intentionally.  I am thinking of alibis to tell so that I could miss a day off work and that keeps me away.

Or is it because I am afraid of investing in relationships because I know one day, he will retire and go or I will leave the company when Masters is all done.  People are constantly moving in and out of the company and it is always too hard to say goodbye.

Or is it because I always find myself competing, like I am some kind of a jealous green-eyed monster.  As always, whenever I enter into a position, wether it be an organization, work, or school, I find myself competing with no one but the past performance of my predecessors.  And it will always be hard to compete with someone who is no longer in the game.  And again, I feel that.  I feel like I am always have to be on top of my game afraid that I have not attained the level of standard they have silently set on me..  Sad thing, I don't have numbers to prove how good I am.  In school, I am given grades.  My performance in previous work is dictated by numbers. But now, I don't even know how I fair. 

My "jealousy" is causing me paranoia and I have to teach myself to quit on it.

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